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March 5, 2006

I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just in a crappy mood these days, but I have just been feeling like writing some angry posts, posts that are likely to alienate people. So let me first say that I like you all. Really.

But how? How can you do that? Someone please explain this to me, because I’m at a loss. How can you be in a serious relationship with someone for weeks, months, years, and then have the relationship end, and act as if the person you were with is nothing but a complete jackass? “It’s the only way for some people to cope” would be the obvious answer, but I simply can’t understand how that works. How does it help you cope to know that you just wasted all those weeks, months and years in a relationship with scum that barely deserves to walk the earth? Are you that much of a moron, that you managed to convince yourself that you loved scum?

The way I see it, the only way I could cope after a serious breakup would be to recognize that the girl I was with had some truly beautiful qualities inside of her, qualities that remain only partially obscured by the stigma of the breakup, and to understand that in spite of these, this relationship just didn’t work out the way I thought it would. To know that far from being a waste of time, the relationship taught me some valuable lessons and gave me some valuable experience about what’s important to me, and what I’m looking for in a relationship. And what love is. To know that this is just another step forward in figuring out who that one girl is who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

But to consider her to have no redeeming qualities… I don’t know how I could cope with that. I don’t know how I could cope with the idea that the whole relationship was utterly meaningless and that my previous emotions lied to me outright. If I could fall in love in that relationship, how could I ever trust my feelings of love for someone ever again?

Then again, I’ve never been in love, so what the hell do I know about any of this, right?

Maybe it’s better that way. Because the day a girl I loved decides I have no redeeming qualities, that will be a very sad day. But not nearly as sad as the day that I decide myself that a girl I knew and loved has no redeeming qualities. I can’t stand the idea of sitting down here one day to write an entry and not being able to tell you truthfully that I like you all.

But it’s not going to happen that way. Because I refuse to believe that real love can only exist alongside hate.


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One Comment
  1. Anonymous permalink

    awww, chris… well, we all like your smile, so keep smiling.  : )

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