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November 11, 2006

Geez. It’s amazing sometimes. It certainly amazes me every time, because I’ve always had plenty of self esteem, so it’s always hard for me to imagine how people can think so lowly of themselves all the time. Even here at Berkeley. You’d think people who’ve been accepted to Berkeley would generally have a certain degree of self-confidence. But they don’t. If anything, it’s worse here. People really don’t like themselves, and that’s just amazing to me, so amazing that I usually just don’t even notice, because I’m just not looking for it. But if you look for it, it’s so easy to see. Look at all the people who get drunk on college campuses. There are so many of them. Why is that? How often do we stop and ask ourselves, why is it that so many people need to get drunk all the time? Because it’s fun, is the response that some people might give, but that’s not enough. There’s a reason why it’s fun, and you know what that reason is? It’s because when you’re drunk, you’re not yourself. There are so many categories people give to drunks–the angry drunk, the funny drunk, the emotional drunk–you ever notice that nobody’s ever just “the normal drunk” or “the no difference drunk”? When you’re drunk, you become that category. You become someone else. And that’s fun, because people are so damn tired of being themselves all the time.

It rather disturbs me, this phenomenon of self-deprecation. And it fascinates me. And for both of these reasons, I’ve decided to take a longer look at myself as a person than I usually take. Could I perhaps, be just as bad a person as all these other people, and simply have never noticed before? Maybe, maybe not. Good and bad are so tricky that it’s impossible to say definitively, of course, and so I won’t attempt to. But I did discover that if I look for the flaws in myself, they’re not hard to find. So I thought I’d share them with all of you. Why I am a bad person. It’s going to be a bit of a doozy if I’ve done it right, so take a deep breath. All right. Here we go.

I am a bad person because I have never cried for anyone but myself. That’s a pretty big one I think, considering how many times I’ve cried for myself. I like to think I’m a pretty sympathetic person, but it’s mostly just on the surface. I’m sympathetic because I know that’s what I’m supposed to be, not because I actually feel for other people. The things that cause me to feel are always regarding my own stress level and my assessment of where I am in life. Worse yet, it most often involves school. My own academic performance is what causes me to feel the most emotion. And you know why that is? Because I validate my existence by proving to myself that I’m better than everyone. And though I know it isn’t really true on the outside, I think there’s something deep down inside me that says the sole criterion for being better than everyone is academic performance. That leadership test I took said it all. I’m a green-type person, which among other things means I’m competitive. I invent competitions where there are none, and the only reason people don’t notice is that they’re not even trying to compete with me. As well they shouldn’t, since they don’t feel like they have something to prove like I do. I think that’s the only reason I get along with people as well as I do. It’s because they’re so submissive. It’s always “You’re a genius” and “If your brain was a supermodel, it would be the hottest supermodel. ever.” and “You show me one person who doesn’t like Chris Seymour. One!” Oh, what was that other one. Hold on, let me go dig it up. Here it is. It says, “You’re INCREDIBLE. Seriously, like a superhero. You are like an inspiration to everybody on campus…your genius in math never fails to amaze and motivate the entire calculus class.” The author of that one went to a college that’s generally considered quite prestigious, which just makes me love it even more. I feed off of that crap. I feed off of people placing me several tiers above them, building me a tower reaching up to the sky. I gobble it all up. I thrive off of it.

In fact, that’s even the reason for one of the main things that might be construed as a virtue of mine: that I can forgive people so easily. I can do that because I see myself as above everyone. Inside, my head, I’m like a god, an immortal endowed with gifts that are only offered to a select few. So I look at your mistakes and expect little more from you, because you’re only mortals, and that’s just what happens with mortals. If that makes me sound arrogant, you don’t know the half of it. Because sometimes I don’t think of myself in that way, like an immortal, and I see myself as an everyday person, and that, my friends, is when my arrogance really comes out. If my Xanga posts sound arrogant, that’s because I let more of myself out in them than I ever do in person. Reread some of those posts. That’s me. That’s the me that no one else knows, but that I know very well. I hear him all the time, saying, “God, what is wrong with all you people? Why are there so many morons among you? Why is it so hard for you? I never have a problem with this, any of this, all of it, it’s just the easiest damn thing in the world. I am not inherently better than you, and there is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing what I do. So why can’t you just stop putting me up on this pedestal, and just do it yourselves for a change?”

You know what else? I am a bad person because I don’t feel bad or guilty about any of that. Despite everything I’ve said, I still think I’m pretty awesome, and I almost always just turn a blind eye to all of those holes in my character. And if I ever appear modest, it’s only because I’ve perfected it like an art. If you’ve ever seen me smile that sheepish smile when people shower me with praise, it’s fake as hell. What I’m actually thinking is, “Yep, I’m pretty much the shit, thank you for being so perceptive as to realize it so that I didn’t have to tell you directly and betray my own conceit.”

So there it is. I’m a horrible, horrible person, probably a lot more horrible than any of you are. So now you’ve got two options. You either recognize me as the horrible person that I am and stop feeding my ego by thinking about me as a model for human beings everywhere. And then you know what you have to do after that? You have to look at everyone in the exact same way. See everything they do, good and bad, and reconstruct all their acts in a way that reveals them as the miserable wretches they are. Because that’s what they are, miserable wretches, every one of them, no exceptions. Human beings suck hard, as a good friend of mine likes to remind me constantly. And then I guess you’ll have two options branching off of that: you can wallow in depression about the miserable creation that is humanity, or simply detach yourself from people altogether, give in to your vices and live life for yourself, stepping on everyone’s backs to get to where you want to be. It doesn’t matter, they’re just humans, they’re practically designed for being stepped on, and if you don’t do it, then it’ll just be someone else reaping your victories.

Or, you stop being so damn hard on yourselves because, guess what, even the great Chris Seymour has his share of character flaws, just like everyone else, and if you’re as good as Chris Seymour, then you’ve gotta be pretty awesome, right? Because Chris Seymour’s just so awesome like that. He’s awesome enough that you better believe him when he tells you that he’s no better than you are, not even a little bit. Seriously. I don’t know where this myth came from, or how it managed to get so blown out of proportion, but it needs to stop. Even someone who feeds off of praise can get indigestion, and moreover, if you all die of starvation from giving up so much of your food, then you won’t exactly be able to feed Chris Seymour anymore, would you? And no one wants that.

But joking aside. You’re better people than you think. I mean it. I just wish I could find some way to get you to see that. Hopefully this did something.

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9 Comments
  1. chrish seymour. you are a piece of crap
    jk
    if it makes you feel any better, i never idolized you but i always thought you were a pretty cool guy. i never thought you were arrogant or pompous
    and no, this comment isnt another mouth sucking your dick

  2. So basically what you are saying is that you invented a competition to be the most arrogant person where there was none and just declared yourself the winner? Oh and BTW Kruncha, who is this Chris Seymour guy?

  3. hmm … i guess ur rite when u say getting drunk is kinda like an escape … i guess people just have a hard time with school, friends, family, relationships, etc. that they just want to get away for a while.  but rather than think urself better for not having such a hard time, u should probably consider urself lucky.  no one really chooses to have these problems and who knows, maybe ur just better at dealing with them, but if u r, or is u have less problems, shouldnt u then take the opportunity to help those people?  and i guess u cant really stop making people feel bad or less guilty (believe me, im a blue) but all u can do is comfort them and let them know that someone cares and will be there for them.  but in some twisted way, i think u r helping … hey, i thought u said that u never wear a mask and that ur not good at hiding ur emotions … but ur post proves otherwise … haha! 

  4. :clap clap clap:
    Am I that good friend of yours you talked about in paragraph 6?
    Maybe thats why I always had a problem with you being way too nice for your own good…

  5. yeahhh…… it sucks.  However, I do not think that’s too bad of a flaw because everybody thinks they’re better than everyone else.  Really.

  6. Exactly.And there are a heck of a lot more flaws where that came from. In fact, I’d say the vast majority of people are flawed in very similar ways if you’re looking closely enough.

  7. Anonymous permalink

    chris youre cool for who you are. someone who sings pokemon theme songs at my birthday party.

  8. Quick quiz: What’s the single most used word in the English language?Chris, nobody drinks from not being able to deal with life or from low self-esteem. No man – IT’S FUN. Come on, don’t you want to have fun? Why do you have to question fun, HUH? STOP IT!!!! :’-(Seriously though. How about the second most used words in the language?(And how ’bout these nifty Wii ads – pretty fucking pervasive/sickening, eh?)

  9. awwww… Thanks Wilson. I’ll serenade you anytime, baby.

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