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December 6, 2006

Cut off again. I’m tempted to simply edit it, but I’d rather keep the entries exactly as I write them, for posterity or whatever.

The culprit once again is Andrea, with whom I was chatting on MSN again this afternoon, which once again turned out to be very unproductive. I chatted, ate leftover soup and grapes, checked e-mail, read Xangas, wrote my previous entry, checked facebook, and before you know it, an hour or more goes by in a flash. It leads me to wonder exactly how much time people do waste on all this stuff. I mean facebook and all that. Since a lot of people seem to spend significantly more time on facebook than I do. I mean, I don’t even write notes or post many comments or anything, and I’m not a member of freaking 80 groups like I found out Jessica Zou is when I looked at her profile. I still don’t get it. What’s the point of all that? Why should I chat, for instance? I was not that keen on the idea of going on MSN all the time again, and here’s why. If people really want to contact me that badly, they can damn well do it on my Xanga, or through e-mail, or in a multitude of other ways. Or just plain call me. If I’m going to have an actual conversation with you, then I don’t see any advantage chatting has over phone conversations, unless you’re actually worried about cancer-inducing cell phones, which Professor Muller says is BS. See, if people would just listen to the scientists… they’re the experts, not you… but whatever. That’s just my opinion… I could be wrong. Um, where was I? Oh yeah, so, chatting. I’m not a multitasker. I don’t want to have to repeatedly keep checking my conversation while both of us are doing other stuff. It’s distracting and unproductive. If you have something important to say, you call me, and you have my full attention.

But maybe I just complain about this so much because I seem to be the only one who always feels constrained for time. I’m still peeved about Andrea’s not having class until 10:00 most days, and she doesn’t even take full advantage of it. Watches anime for a while each morning, I guess to help her wake up or prepare her for the day or something. But it would really be no big deal if she didn’t always expect me to stay for so long. I mean, consider. I get back to the dorm from class today, and the first thing I do is turn on my computer and turn on MSN, and voila, Andrea’s there. And she invites me to turn on my webcam–my webcam, for goodness’ sake–and so I do, of course, and we have that aforementioned conversation which you now know included video. And then she invites me to this chess movie her chess class is having at 6:00, and so I’m like, all right, because I do like chess and it sounded interesting. And it was interesting, and entertaining, not unlike Akeelah and the Bee which I saw last time I went home (it even had Laurence Fishburne in it as the kid’s mentor. Go figure). Make no mistake about this–I’m glad I went. I always enjoy the time I spend with Andy and Andrea, in fact, but that’s not the issue. Moving on now: the movie was about two hours; after that we go to Crossroads and I pick up dinner because they already ate, and we go to Unit 3 and watch House until 10:00, and then we go on Andy’s computer and do random stuff like look at this weird comic that Andy reads which has the same punch line in every strip (not unlike Andy’s fascination with YTMND’s I’d say) until I decide to leave at 11:00. And what does Andrea do? She freakin’ grabs my arm, just like she always uses physical means to prevent me from leaving. So I’m like, “Dude, I spend so much time with you guys already,” and she’s like, “No, not really!” “Um, yeah, I kinda do.” Which of course was an understatement on my part. Kinda nothing–I have been spending craploads of time with them. Today alone, if you count our online conversation, I spent nearly seven hours with her–from the time I finished class to the time I would normally go to bed if I weren’t so bent on writing all this. I can’t stand that. It’s one thing that I spend all that time with her, and another that she doesn’t even appreciate this. Does she even get it? Do I really have to spell it all out for her? When I hang out down there, I am more often than not sacrificing time I could be spending with Christie. I spent no time with Christie today. Didn’t even see her. Barely spent a couple of hours with her yesterday. And this is not just the way it’s working out this week. This is becoming a trend over the last couple of weeks, and I have to wonder what’s led to this sudden change. I mean, on Sunday they came up to Clark Kerr without prior notice. Nice surprise, I guess, but that has NEVER happened before. Andrea never wanted to come all the way up here. And of course, since they were up here where Christie is, I did get a chance to hang out with both of them. But the thing is, while they’re here, I have to entertain them–I can’t just leave them with their roommates like I can with Christie. And of course we have to play video games when they’re here, not that I would ever complain about playing video games, but it does mean that Christie won’t be terribly interested in sticking around for long periods of time. So inevitably, I did wind up spending much more time with them than with Christie that day. They came around 4:00 and stayed till around 1:00 in the morning. Christie was around for perhaps a third of those hours. And Andrea always seems like she’s getting bored when other people like Christie are around, though she never wants to leave.

Maybe all this is just my imagination, of course. It could be simply that she, like me, is aware of the upcoming Christmas break and wants to hang out as much as possible before we can’t hang out anymore for a month. The difference being that I have more than just her and Andy that I want to hang out with, which I really can’t blame her for. That’s all perfectly plausible, and yet I can’t stop entertaining this narcissistic viewpoint that Andrea still has a crush on me–I say “still” based on the equally narcissistic assumption that she ever did before. But she had a Xanga post around the time I went to the dance during welcome week with her and may have made it appear that I liked her, which may have been at least partially based on the reality at the time… the post consisted of “I should not be thinking these thoughts” and similar sorts of internal conflicts. This was back when she had a boyfriend, you see. And this, of course, is really open to dozens of different interpretations, especially considering I had no idea, especially at the time, all the things she was thinking about and everything that was going on in her life. It is, quite simply, a hunch. A narcissistic one at that. And I have no idea how accurate my hunches are, since I can’t exactly test the vast majority of them. I can’t just walk up to Andrea and ask if she’s in love with me or walk up to Marge and ask her if she’s gay. But as I’ve said before, I trust my hunches more than ever now, just based on the knowledge that most people will act in similar ways. It is sometimes frightening how much they do, and I’ll have more to say on that subject in a moment.

But for now, I’m worried. I certainly don’t wish to cut myself off, and yet it really bothers me the way she does that. How she expects me to spend every free minute I have with her like I have nothing better to do, including hanging out with Christie, sleeping, studying, going to Men’s Chorale stuff, you name it. Basically wants me to not have a life. And if she does indeed have a crush on me… I don’t think I need to explain that this would be a very bad thing. And I haven’t even asked Christie about any of this. I have no idea whether or not she cares that I spend so much time down there. I don’t think she’d say anything if she did, and this, if anything, will be the downfall of our relationship. I don’t understand how someone with so much more relationship experience than I do can be so passive… but of course, that’s exactly why she has so much experience. The role of the woman in a high school relationship is simply to be passive. Try as you might, you can’t say they have an equal role. The dances are evidence enough. Guys ask girls to dances all the time, but how often do girls ask guys? Even to Sadie’s, the dance where they are specifically expected to? I have practically never heard of any such instance. You can’t deny it. Guys are expected to make all the moves, and I’m just kind of tired of that. I’m tired of the guesswork, and I’m going to have to bring this up at some point.

And this brings me back to my earlier point. It is truly frightening how similarly people act. How no girl will ever ask a guy to a dance. (The most major of props go to my sister, the exception; I never appreciated until recently just how awesome she was for doing that.) Or, to pull a more gut-wrenching example, how such an extraordinarily large number of girls must have DIAMONDS. Ugh, it makes me shiver. If you read the chapter on light in my Physics for Future Presidents textbook, you’ll know why. I’ll give you the basic point–diamonds have no real value. The reason they originally became popular–higher dispersion rates–is now moot, because the recently developed cubic zirconia–gasp!–actually has a higher dispersion rate than diamonds. But did that mean cubic zirconia took the diamond’s place? Of course not. People decided that cubic zirconia didn’t look like a diamond because it sparkled TOO MUCH–and therefore was not valuable. In other words, it was too diamondy of a diamond. But never mind that the original basis for diamonds’ popularity has been ripped out from under its feet. All you have to do is, like Christie’s roommate Lillian did, bust out some stunning examples of logic like, “Diamond is also the hardest known material” (like that has anything to do with its decorative purposes, which is the whole fucking point of jewelry), and “It’s kind of like your statement of how much the girl is worth to you.” I really hope I don’t need to explain that one, but apparently I do, so here goes: Are you really saying that a girl’s worth to a person can be embodied in terms of money? And guys are supposed to be the shallow ones. Christ. If you really want a way to show a girl what she’s worth to you, you damn well don’t do it by buying it, gold digger. Oh, and my personal favorite, “Okay, that’s great. Good luck finding a girl who doesn’t want a diamond.” The worst part about that one is it’s so largely true–even Alex, who’s taken the class just like I have and knew exactly what I was talking about–still thinks there’s value in diamonds because it’s just “tradition.” Oh good god, don’t even get me started on tradition. You would think that at Berkeley we would be past the point where we just blindly succumb to societal rules because they’re “tradition.” Cough *slavery* cough *women should all be housewives* cough *oh my god there are so many things I could insert in here that my lungs are going to be lying on the floor before I’m done coughing*. It’s just sad. But it’s true. It’s so true. Almost every girl you will meet will want a diamond engagement ring, and that’s just how it is.

But you’re still wrong, Lillian. Because, dammit, you don’t get to speak for every woman in the world, and it’s pretentious as hell of you to think you can. There are those who don’t want diamonds, who know exactly what I’m talking about. We talked to Andrea today, and she agrees completely. I don’t know if Christie agrees or not. She tends to not voice her opinion very much in such a debate. Perhaps because it’s petty. My guess is she likes diamonds, but it’s not something so adamant that she would care if a man got her another stone that was just as pretty. I guess I ought to find out for sure though, eh? It’s a rather important subject to me. I need to know that she is not a slave to tradition, because if she is… it just doesn’t work. But whatever. I really need to go to bed now.

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