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December 15, 2006

From God’s Debris, by Scott Adams:

“Has anyone ever advised you to ‘be yourself’?”

I said I’d heard that a lot.

“What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you’re doing that already. If it means to act like you’re exempt from society’s influence, that’s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ‘be yourself’ is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.”

From Guster:

if that’s all you will be, you’ll be a waste of time
you’ve dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

i want to be where i’ve never been before
i want to be there and then i’d understand
know i’m right and do it right
could I get to be like that?
how to know know what I don’t know
nothing more to gain

will i get better or stay the same?
i find i always move too slowly
can’t lift a finger, can’t change my mind
i never knew till someone told me that…

if that’s all you will be, you’ll be a waste of time
you’ve dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

and all the people who’ve seen it all before
and all the people who already understand
know they’re right, and done it right
could I get to be like that
how they know what I don’t know
it’s harder everyday

can’t lift a finger, can’t hurt a fly
i find i always move too slowly
one thing’s for certain
i’m insecure
i never knew till someone told me that….

if that’s all you will be, you’ll be a waste of time
you’ve dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all
nobody cares at all
they never cared at all

From what yesterday seemed like a long time ago, and today seems like yesterday:

So [Locke] finally opened up to us during this conversation. He told us why he hadn’t called [A] this whole time. He said it was because he didn’t miss her like he thought he should. “I see you calling her all the time and… I just can’t do that.” [Demosthenes] told him that it was ridiculous for him to compare it to the relationship he had–it was an entirely different situation. But he also told [Locke] that it was a funny coincidence that if he stayed with [A], it would provide him with certain other opportunities. It took me a second, but then I got what [Demosthenes] was getting at. If he stayed with [A], he would also get to see [B]. The fact that [Locke] seemed interested in [B] had come up briefly in conversation before.

[Demosthenes] told [Locke] that the way he saw it, [Locke] had two days to figure out what he wanted. Nothing came of it, though. [B] is apparently completely clueless, and [Locke] still hasn’t called [A]. He’s still enjoying himself, but I think I do see a hint of solemnity in him that wasn’t there before. I know he at least misses [B] these days; he implied so in passing. I can’t begin to imagine what he might be feeling about all this right now. I’d like to know. I think the main reason my situation stays the same is because I’m always kept in the dark. How can I begin to understand what this game’s all about when I don’t have a trace of an example to look at? [Demosthenes] never even told us when he got into his relationship either. I personally found out over a week after the fact, when [Locke] was discussing the awkwardness of them… out of the blue…

Why should I tell [Demosthenes] what’s going on? It’s not as if he’s helped me any just by always asking what’s going on in my life. Why the heck should he know if I’m just to remain here in my own little world, surrounded by peole on the outside looking in, letting me have a glimpse from time to time but never letting me out. Are they trying to preserve my innocence? Do they think I wouldn’t understand? Do they think I can eventually figure it out for myself by just sitting here lost in thought, filling up these pages?

I don’t really know what to think anymore. People have been burned, bonds have been shattered. And some just seem to be totally well off, though you can hardly blame them for others’ feelings, or even for their own. But oh god. I’ve seen so much drama these last few months. And I have to wonder if it isn’t my other friends after all who have life all figured out. Just hangin’ out with friends, discussing web comics, quoting HomeStar and Strongbad. Are they really any worse off for not getting caught up in all this sludge?

And this whole love thing in general is starting to turn me off. Why should I like one person more than anyone else? What makes a person stand out to someone? Does anyone really expect me to believe that there’s a soul mate for every person? If so, shouldn’t it be obvious? And shouldn’t that person be impossible to find? And if, as I as a rational person believe, there are no soul mates, aren’t we just going with the person that seems the best? What’s stopping someone better from coming along? There’s no such thing as a perfect match, right? So what is it that makes that one person so special? Is it because you know that person better and understand her better than anyone else? Isn’t love just what you make of it then? Couldn’t [Locke] be equally happy in a relationship with [A] as in a relationship with [B]?

When it comes right down to it, love is an emotion. There’s no real right person, there’s not even a few right people. I think the right person is just whomever you’re capable of making yourself believe is right. And I just like people in general. I tend to ignore the darker sides of someone’s personality. So when someone does something bad to me, like stealing my watch, I just go ballistic. Because I can’t understand why someoune would do something deliberately malicious. It’s not within my scope of reason. So I see everyone as a possible relationship opportunity, practically everyone anyway. So how the heck do I choose just one? Could I really be so bold as to assert that one is any better than the other? Is it possible that I am just compatible with almost everyone? I don’t believe it. But I just don’t know what else to believe. My emotions are muddled, and I feel as if I’ll never have a real crush again. If I ever have had a real crush.

I’ve been writing nonsense for way too long now. I think I’ll just wait for dinner.


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