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December 22, 2006

It’s another one of those nights, where I just feel like I should write something for the sake of writing. Not that I have nothing to say. I have a lot to say. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to try to get it all down. I almost broke up with Christie, which is what the previous post was all about. I do still feel like that sometimes, and I refer back to that entry all the time. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read that entry. I mean, what example do I have to go off of, anyway? Bob and Leipzig certainly never had much in the way of romance. They’ve gotten into pretty huge fights before, and I remember this one time a while ago that Leipzig said that if Angelica or I were to die somehow, it would just devastate the family. And there’d be a good chance he and Bob would have to get divorced as a result. I was reminded of that today by a Dead Like Me episode–we had another marathon today, but only of four episodes. The rest of the time we watched Boston Legal and Millennium. But anyway, the episode was where George’s bob and leipzig were getting a divorce. It wasn’t even hard for them; they had no qualms about it. And George began to talk about it to Rube, because he’s the wise advice-giver and all, and he said how she shouldn’t blame her own death on the family falling apart. In his experience, the death in the family usually only meant the burial of the marriage–the death had to have come long before. I wonder how many marriages are glued together by such things–kids, and other obligations, or maybe just not being willing to face the idea of being single. Marriage in the United States is already a 1 in 2 chance of divorce–imagine if you factored in all the couples that just never bothered. Is it possible to measure something like that? Did any of these couples really ever love each other to begin with, then, and what caused the real end of the marriage, if it wasn’t the death?

Maybe love is real, and maybe it isn’t. But there are certainly enough people desperately trying to create the illusion of love for themselves for anyone to be skeptical about it. It’s like, maybe there are UFOs, you can’t really prove otherwise, no matter how much evidence you produce to the contrary. Same thing with God, actually. Love is just like all of those, and my general philosophy is to just not believe in things. All beliefs do is make you biased. It makes no difference in the world whether there is a God or not–you should still be trying to do the right thing just because it’s right. But a belief in love seems to be different from any other belief I can conceive of. Whether or not you believe in it means a lot. Or does it? Is it maybe just because the idea is so pervasive, even more pervasive that the idea of God? Who the hell doesn’t believe in love? Is there anyone? Would anyone dare to believe something so blasphemous? Yet there is no more evidence for love than there is for God–only our own emotion, and who would trust that? You could create a similar state of euphoria with a kind of drug. The difference comes in your ability to recall. The love seems more real in a sense, because it was produced under conditions where memory-forming ability is intact, which is more than you can say for a lot of drugs. Does that make it more real? Both are still produced by an outside force. You can’t just create love on your own–the girl is like the drug. And many people have been ruined by love. Look at all the Shakespearean tragedies and such. Yet when someone gives themselves over to love, it is viewed in the most romantic sense–so much so that the word “romantic” is difficult to separate from love these days. But when someone gives themselves over to drugs, they are pitied, viewed not as tragic heroes but instead as victims of their own addiction. What is the difference, I ask you? Could not the drug users be just as admired for being brave enough to try to achieve a higher state, a state which most of us would be terribly afraid to take that chance with?

And Anna? She’s been with this new guy Brett for over a year now, and people don’t like him much. At least from what Damon tells me. He said Anna just gets really attached to guys like that. And I wonder if it won’t turn out just the way it did with Josh. Something will happen, and it will just be over. Just like that. Will she react in the same way, and just hate his guts, even if they’d gone out for four years, maybe even longer? And how would she handle the sudden realization that nothing had changed since high school? Who would she be able to turn to? It’s scary as hell. She’s like an addict. She really is. The way Damon talked about her getting so attached, and the way they use each other to get attention–is this love?

And what I’m feeling–is that love? I always feel like, I shouldn’t say I’m in love unless I know, unless I’m sure. When you’re in love, you’re supposed to be sure. It’s like the series finale of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I don’t remember much about it, but I remember she ended up with Harvey, and they symbolically played No Doubt in the very last scene. That stuck with me. When you’re sure, you’re sure–there’s no doubt. But there’s still this pervasive feeling that you can never be sure. There are just people like Anna who desperately trick themselves into being sure, so that they don’t have to doubt. Doubt is fearful for people. That’s why people do drugs. To make the doubt go away. I honestly believe that I will never be completely sure if I love her or not. Then is love just a matter of degrees? When does it make sense to tell someone that you love them? I feel like I should just tell her now. It’s just that it would feel dishonest or something, which doesn’t make sense, because most people who say I love you are just being dishonest. That’s why you can hate someone so much after you’ve said you love them, right? It’s just a lie. Another delusion to get you through the day.

It’s funny how if you say “I believe in God,” people will understand that in your worldview, God actually does exist. But if you say “I believe that I love you,” it’s not taken as your affirmation that you actually do love her. It has a distinct undertone of uncertainty to it. Like you just don’t understand your emotions, so you shouldn’t bother saying that sort of thing. It just makes you sound uncomitted. But it’s just the opposite. If you believe in God, you have committed yourself to the existence of God. And it ought to be the same with love. But again, it’s because love is so pervasive–people don’t even consider it a belief at all. It just is, as real as you or me.

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