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January 15, 2007

You know how I always say that I should be following my instincts far more often than I do.  Well, I sure hope I’m wrong this time.  I’ve been calling Christie the last week or so and every time, she seems to be busy with something else, and she never calls back.  And now, I’m back in Berkeley, anxious to see her again, and I call her, and she doesn’t answer, and I call her later, and this time she’s there, and she tells me that she’s over at one of the units hanging out with some friends, and she didn’t know when she would be back.  I fucking told her I was going to be back last night.  I even said, specifically, that we should do something when I got back.  And she was gone.  For the entire night, as I expected when she said she didn’t know when she would be back.  What I didn’t expect was that she wasn’t going to be here in the morning.

Is this supposed to be some sort of mirror she’s holding up, to show me how it made her feel every time I went to hang out at the units with Andy and Andrea?  If it is, it’s not an accurate one.  I would never, ever have simply shut her down the night she came back after not having seen her for an entire month.  What the fuck is that?  And unlike anything she ever did when I was gone, I’ve actually been calling her like a maniac to let her know that I want to see her again, like, now.  If she’d ever done that for me I’d have dropped everything on the spot and walked straight back.  She didn’t even invite me to come over or anything.  She didn’t sound like she really cared to see me at all.

But if my instincts are right this time, this isn’t just some ploy to even the score between us.  Something is seriously wrong here.  I haven’t a clue what, but she is deliberately avoiding me for sure.  Am I just paranoid or what?  Well, unlike some of my other instinct-based hypotheses, this one is actually testable.  I just have to see what happens.  Maybe I am overreacting, and that will give me a bit more perspective on how accurate my instincts really are.  That’d be nice, to know I can be wrong about some of these things.  Sigh…

These conversations keep going through my head about what might pass between us when she finally does come back.  It’s extraordinarily unhealthy, and I won’t even attempt to transcribe any of them.  I’d probably wind up retching all over the keyboard.

The worst part is there’s not even anything I could have possibly done to deserve this in the last week or so.  If something is wrong, it obviously has nothing to do with me.  Which just brings me back to the people she’s around most often during her break (and, in fact, since she’s been back)–her family.  I hate to bring them into it again when I don’t even know them, for God’s sake, but damn, do people have to be so predictable?  If someone is religious to the point of being insane, they will do insane things in attempts to protect their loved ones from what they think is wrong.  That’s the only thing I can think of that would make her shun me.  But that’s not part of my instinct.  That’s just logic.  Which in all probability is not as dependable as instinct, at least in this case.

Of course, it’s also possible she met some other guy, but instinct is leading me sharply away from that direction.  I don’t know why.  It makes some sort of sense that she’d need a guy who’s more controlling than I am, and that guy would simply tell her directly to stay at the units, and she would.  But that’s not what’s happening.  I guess it’s because I have way too much faith in Christie to ever believe something like that.

I know this all sounds awful, but I have to get it down anyway.  Purge myself of all these negative thoughts and such.  Well.  I hope to come back here with better news.


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