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May 1, 2007

Well, it’s 11:30 on Tuesday morning, and once again I should be doing my Buddhism reading.  My will to read has decreased even more, though I didn’t think it was possible.  I would never skip readings in high school.  Sometimes I would start them and not have time to finish them, but only in AP Gov toward the end of the year.  Now… it’s hard to see the point.  Prof. Sharf will summarize everything in the first few minutes of class and give me a better understanding of the material than if I had actually read it.  And it’s not like I have another essay due this time around.  We’re done with the essays.  Maybe I just need to bask in the glory of being done with the essays.  Although this is supposed to be one of the most important readings so far.


Andrea’s going through a really hard time now, and I get the feeling Andy isn’t doing anything to help her.  He probably hasn’t even seen her for a while from the sound of it.  He spent the better part of the weekend on his computer science project.  But like I said, people do have time.  Everyone.  There’s always a way to make room, and it’s just a matter of whether you’re willing to make the sacrifice.


I can hardly blame him.  How would he know how to deal with this situation?  I couldn’t do it.  I haven’t done it, for exactly that reason.  I can say it’s his responsibility, and it mostly is, but I’m her friend too after all, and it’s stupid of me to just sit idly by.  But what else can you do? 


Because as this breakup has shown, it’s clearly not enough to just provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, or whatever other helpful body part you might be able to offer.  People expect you to actually do something about it, though they still haven’t made it clear what it is you’re supposed to do.  What the hell else can you do?  When the midterm goes poorly, what can you say besides, “That sucks.”  Not “you’ll do better next time.”  God help me if I ever utter those empty words.  “You’ll just have to study harder next time, I guess.”  Shit.  I would break up with me right then and there if I said something like that.  “It’s not the end of the world.”  Now we’re getting somewhere, but of course they already know that.  No one’s that stupid.  But still they act like that’s exactly the case, knowing full well that it isn’t.  So what do you do?  Everyone continues to have the same issues over and over again, but you’re supposed to come up with something different to tell them each time?  Or just rehash the same things they already know and patronize them. 


And that’s the problem here.  I can listen.  God knows I can listen.  But she’ll be expecting more than that.  I have to come up with some wise words or something, something to get her through this time of trouble, even though after desperate Xanga post after desperate Xanga post, she still hasn’t defined exactly what the problem is.  And even if I did know what it was, I couldn’t do shit about it.  It’s a goddamn existential crisis, like she said herself, and those can’t be solved by a few pithy sayings.  You have to be a Zooey to figure one of those out, and even then it isn’t exactly easy.  And I’m no Zooey.  And as much as I say I want to understand people–more than anything I do, I swear–I don’t.  And I probably never will.  Because to understand people, it isn’t enough to just listen.  To understand, you have to go through what they went through.  And my middle school depression doesn’t count.  That was a clearly defined problem based on my situation, no existential crisis or even a fear for my future.  I couldn’t even think that far ahead.  I still can’t.  Nor can I think behind.  I’m stuck in the here and now, and always have been.  The past is past, the future will work itself out, and the present… well just take a look around.  I mean, don’t you see it?  It’s beautiful.  Even now, just a week after my girlfriend broke up with me for reasons that I considered less than valid and moreover, a complete misunderstanding of everything I ever did in her presence… and I can’t pretend I’m not happy.  I am.  And no, not because I haven’t bothered to consider any of the things that Andrea thinks about; contrary to what she thinks, she’s not the only one who stops to contemplate anything beneath the superficial.  I consider them.  Hell, you’ve seen my Xanga posts.  I consider them all the time, and in all logic I ought to be depressed like crazy, since no one understands me either.  I mean, how would you feel if you spent two months in a relationship only to realize at the very end of it that your girlfriend still didn’t have a clue about you?  Yes, that’s right, I’m not the only one.  People all suck at understanding each other.  The world is nothing but a bunch of blind idiots trying to pretend they can see, desperately forming pointless attachments to things to form some kind of identity.  Always pretending, pretending nothing’s wrong.  Pretending that this will last forever, when nothing ever, ever does.


And you don’t see the beauty in that?


I’m sorry… I can’t help you.


But I will pretend I can.

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