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September 20, 2008

“I usually talk to myself. on a lot of occasions. when I walk down the street, and people look at me funny, I usually just wink at them and they go away.”

Changed my Facebook today to remove the things Jen added using my password, which I gave her. I’m not going to bother changing it. She won’t mess with my profile. She won’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. She’s going to end up dropping the ESPM class. She doesn’t know it yet, but I know it. She’d never admit it, but I know her much, much better than she does. She has a pretty terrible understanding of herself, actually.

It’s Friday night. My parents came to visit for dinner and brought stuff from Costco. My dad kept saying all night how I looked really skinny and was losing all the muscle I put on over the summer. He even used the word “gaunt” at one point. I couldn’t help but laugh. There’s insanity everywhere you look. If I had a scale, I guarantee you I’d still be at least 145. My weight just doesn’t fluctuate like he seems to think it does.

Now it’s just me and Andrew. Andy’s out with anime club people again tonight, as he is most every night. With no girlfriend and no Monday night rehearsal, I am now able to make both anime club showings and game nights, but my days have been pretty packed with school and other stresses. I don’t know if I’ll start going even when things cool down. I don’t think it would be quite the same anymore.

Andrea just wrote a Facebook note about a “you choose the story” type game involving zombies. So it sounds like not a whole lot has changed there. Andy said she got a boyfriend, I guess sometime toward the end of last year, but I don’t think she still does. Should give her a call sometime, but probably won’t.

Should definitely give David a call sometime soon.

I’ve managed to do pretty well in staving off the depression by keeping very busy all the time, but we’ll see how this weekend goes. It’s still only been a week, but it feels like a lot longer.

Still trying to get my computer back from her. Feel like I shouldn’t get mad because she did get mugged on Monday. Three guys, two with guns, one with a knife. That’d be pretty damn scary. She said she was at Indian Rock with only one other person. I couldn’t help but thinking that the other person had to have been some guy. Nobody would randomly go to Indian Rock with one other friend. That would make no sense at all. If so, she must feel pretty wretched. Like God was telling her how horrible a person she was.

I almost hope that’s what happened. Then it means she got what she deserved. But I don’t hope that’s what happened. Actually, I can’t stand to think that’s what happened.

I do feel really bad for her… breaking up is bad enough, but she’s had to deal with sickness, car breaking down, getting mugged, and her grandpa going to the hospital all in the span of about a week. And now her academic life is suffering too. I know I’m not responsible for any of it, but I can’t help but feel bad about it.

At the same time, though, my parents are right. There’s really no excuse for not giving me back my computer for such a long time. I only doled out over a thousand dollars for it, after all. Also no excuse for saying she would come to class–twice–and not showing up either time. And never borrowing a friend’s phone to call me. And leaving me hanging during our IM conversation today. I told her I was free at 6:00 and asked if we could meet up then, and she said “hm”, didn’t respond for a while, and then went offline. She never did care about her commitments, or consider how she would inconvenience people. I had a bag full of her clothes to give her too, and I had to carry it around all day twice because she just doesn’t keep her commitments. I never did understand people like that. She shouldn’t even bother making the commitments in the first place.

There’s no doubt in my mind that it was right, and furthermore that it would have been right for it to have happened much sooner than it did. Like I’ve told my parents, I’m just weak. I really could have deluded myself into thinking Jen was the one. I could have eventually married her even. Love’s such a stupid thing. I’ve said that a lot lately too. Life would be so much easier if we would just fall for the people we’re compatible with, but I guess it never works that way. I’m always going to love girls who aren’t right for me at all.

It still wrenches my insides to say it. That she’s not right for me, that she never was. I can’t stand to face that fact, but a fact it is.

It makes me not know what else to say. If you aren’t right for each other, then that’s that. Nothing else to say. But there’s so much more to say. There’s so much more that I should have said. I hate that almost all I have are IM conversations. I want so desperately to remember the good times, and yet I can’t go on living my life if I remember too well how good they were. It’s probably better that I didn’t document this relationship, just like the other ones. But I can’t stand having nothing but my own patchy memory to think about her.

I still wonder if it could have worked out, and I’m sure I always will. Even though I know for a fact she was wrong for me, I still wonder if it could have worked out. A lot of my feelings these days don’t make sense.

Christie came to the Clark Kerr reunion party Andrew had at our apartment a week ago. She was still the same girl that I had been attracted to before. She was still attractive to me now. But I found that I could look at her and feel nothing of what I used to, good or bad. It was as if the whole relationship had happened to someone else, some third party that I knew very well and identified with more than any other person on earth, but still another person. She was still the same girl, and I remembered things we did together, but we no longer had a history. That was long gone.

Most would say that it’s healthy, that it’s proof that I’ve completely gotten past her. I’m sure it’s true. But it occurred to me that someday, years from now, I’m going to meet up with Jen again, and she will look to me as Christie looked to me last week. I’ll look at her, and no feelings will surge back, good or bad. And I’ll remember her face to every last detail, and I’ll remember everything we did together, but as for what it was like to love her–that will be… gone forever, far away. Like imagining what it’s like to be a bat. Impossible to imagine what it was like to be me all those years ago, and have those experiences.

I’m sure it will be a fine day for me, when it comes. Maybe I’ll be with somebody else, maybe somebody I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. Maybe she will too. Perhaps, when we meet that day, everything in our lives will have worked out perfectly, for both of us.

But it’s when that day comes into my mind, it’s when I stop and really think about that day, that it’s hardest of all for me. Even now, I can’t talk or think about this anymore, or I’ll be in tears for hours. There’s nothing I can’t stand more in this whole goddamn planet than the thought that I might forget just what it was like to love Jen.

It makes me want to never leave this room again, so that this experience won’t be crowded out by newer ones. I could go on being the exact same person I am today for the rest of my life, completely unaltered by experience. Every day I live she gets further away from me, and it makes me want to shut out everything else and think of nothing but her for as long as I live.

I won’t, though. I’ll keep living exactly as I have been, just like I always do, because that’s what has to happen. You can’t really stop the flow of time, even if you try. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that everything has to move forward; nothing ever goes back.

I just wish there was some way. Some way to bring it all back to the way it was at the beginning.

I’m tearing up. I have to end this entry now.

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